Military Life: What Right Looks Like

11 tips for a healthier family relationship

“We all know what right looks like.”

I worked with a commander who regularly used that phrase, and it always struck me as a quotable quote.  For the most part, he was right.  Most adults, especially those who choose to serve their country, do have a finely tuned moral compass that steers them in the right direction.  But when it comes to relationships and raising a family, most of us only know what we saw while growing up.

So, in honor of Domestic Violence Prevention Month, it’s worth taking a minute and going over what right really does look like from the perspective of family-life researchers.

Here are eleven tips to help your family thrive.

Good Communication.  Healthy families have strong communication skills and they talk regularly.  This is the reason researchers are so adamant about the importance of family meals.  People tend to talk while they share a meal.

Mutual Support.  No man is an island.  Healthy families realize this fact and act accordingly.  This mutual support doesn’t only apply between parents or between parents and children.  Siblings in healthy families, even those who squabble, also regularly “look out” for one another.

Negotiation Skills.  Healthy families don’t always agree on everything.  Fortunately, they spend more time negotiating resolutions that will work for everyone involved rather than arguing about their differences.

Equality and Fairness.  Everyone pulls his or her own weight in healthy families and everyone takes a service role according to their ability.  For some families this can mean chore charts and, although you may not be thrilled with your assigned chores, at least you know you’re contributing and eventually chore rotations will happen.

Shared Responsibility.  Healthy families often work together.  They not only eat together, they work together – whether at home, in their church or while volunteering in the community.

Trust.  Healthy families have a high level of trust that the other members of the family have their best interests at heart.  That trust is manifested by actions and behaviors, such as sharing bank accounts, e-mail passwords, cell phone access, and words.

Honesty.  It’s the best policy, but is it easy?  Heck no!  It can be darn near excruciating to phrase a comment to your child or partner in an honest, yet non-offensive way.  But the payoff for that hard work is trust, so no pain – no gain, when it comes to honest communication.

Shared Values and Goals.  Healthy families can not only articulate their values and the goals that help them live those values, they can also communicate exactly how they are teaching those values to their children on a regular basis.  Once again, actions speak louder than words in this particular category.

Mutual Respect.  Healthy families exhibit a great deal of mutual respect.  Adults don’t “name call” and are always willing to listen to their children’s perspective on things, even if they must ultimately disagree.

Inter-dependent Decision Making.  The members of a healthy family realize they don’t live in a vacuum.  Major and often minor decisions are suspended until everyone can talk.  Sometimes this happens over the dinner table.  Major decisions might require a family meeting.

Quality Time Together.  Healthy families spend quite a bit of time together and that time is best described as interactive in nature.  Healthy families talk, discuss, workout, play, debate, eat, volunteer, and worship together in their spare time.  Do they watch TV or movies together?  Sure they do.  And then they discuss what they just watched.

Sound too good to be true?  Not according to the successful families whom researchers have observed.  That’s how they came up with these characteristics that you can share with your family.

Ultimately, making family a priority isn’t always easy and some days are better than others.  Don’t get discouraged.  Perhaps the best advice we can take away from the family-life research is to be conscious of your plan. It’s not necessary to obsess about every little detail.  Just as we all know what right looks like, we all know what right feels like.  The payoff of having a happier family that enjoys being together is great.

Lisa Jansen-Rees, MSW, ACSW, is the Family Advocacy Program Manager at Fort Sill.  To learn more about Domestic Violence Prevention and other resources available to military families, call 580.442.4916 or visit sillmwr.com.