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Military Life: Deployment

Been There. Done That. There Again.

I know about deployments–the pre-deployment crazy feelings, the arguments, the anxiety, and the eventual guilt for it all after the service member leaves.

At times, I’ve even been hired to talk to groups of other spouses whose loved ones are about to leave. I tell those families to recognize that their feelings are normal. Everyone goes through it, I say. And I tell them not to be surprised if, just before the departure date comes, they find themselves thinking, “I wish he’d just leave already!”

I know all of these things. I preach these things. So, it was a surprise when, unbeknownst to me, I was experiencing them myself.
I should know better, I thought. If anyone can handle pre-deployment, it should be me. Haven’t I been the “teacher,” telling other spouses what to expect, how to recognize it, and what to do about it?

Oh, but wait! Hadn’t I also told them that one of the worst situations to be in is having too much time–too much knowledge of–a deployment?

I knew about Dustin’s deployment too soon. There has been too much time to plan and think. And worry.

I almost envy the wives whose husbands come home and say, “I’m leaving for a deployment next week.” Rather than pulling off the Band-Aid, if you will, one excruciating tug at a time, they can rip it off and start feeling better. They don’t watch the milk’s expiration date move closer and closer to the departure day. They don’t spend every passing holiday thinking, “This time next year, he will be gone.”

But then, no, too short of a notice and there is not enough time to get things in order. There is no time to clean out the garage, change the air filters, get the car serviced, or change all the fire alarm batteries.

Dustin is doing all those things now. Every day it seems he has a new to-do item. “I should vacuum the basement for you before I leave.” Or, “Before I go, let’s sell my car.”

Before I leave. Before I go. This is the center of conversation lately. And it’s still a while before that day comes.

It is a slow march to the inevitable. So, in hindsight, it’s no wonder that I’ve been breathing more shallowly, waking up twice in the night and finding every possible reason to be mad at my husband. But I didn’t recognize these things as they were happening. Neither did Dustin.

“Wow, you seem so mad lately,” he said one day. “Do you think you’re going through some pre-deployment stuff?”

What? Isn’t that like accusing a woman of being mad because she has PMS?

I turned up my nose at the idea. “I am NOT going through pre-deployment anything,” I said.

But was I? When I passed by Dustin’s closet, I caught myself thinking that I could probably use half his rack while he is gone…if only his side weren’t so messy. And I could use his sink while he is gone…since he never fixed my leaky faucet. Eventually it was, “Geez, maybe things are going to be so much easier once he just leaves.” Yikes.

In my pre-deployment talks, I tell spouses that this is called emotional separation. It’s easier to say goodbye to someone you’re mad at, or to someone you don’t really need anyway.

The service member goes through this, too. They get into mission mode. Before they’ve even gotten on the plane or ship, they’ve already left. They are busy updating their passport, getting physicals and doing training. In the end, they probably won’t have time to clean the garage or change the air filters anyway. Besides, shouldn’t the family member be able to do that stuff for herself?

A week spent doing this back and forth is one thing. Several months spent doing this is pretty close to emotional torture.

Last week, Dustin brought home a pre-deployment preparation guide. “I think you should read through this,” he said.

I laughed. I’ve been hired to write such guides! “You don’t think I already know all this?” I said, tossing the folder onto the table.

But once Dustin had gone upstairs, I opened the pages and began reading. I found comfort in the words “normal” and “expected”–words I have written for other spouses. I read the information like it was the first time I had seen it, like my own Navy dad hadn’t been deploying since (literally) the day I was born.

I realize that whether it’s your first deployment or your tenth, it never gets any easier. And no one will be more surprised than you when you’ve “been there, done that,” but find yourself there again.